It seems so often to me that I am going to try my best for a specific work yet after some days that motivation fades away. All my plans that were to be done with utmost discipline are just some notes in the paper which I don’t even look back at after writing. Judging by my daily activities and my own vision towards life, I have finally crowned myself as a loser. This is my way of living for the past few years. Maybe I am good in some field but when it comes to performing I always fail. I always have a self-doubt that I am going to make a mess of it and even if I make myself confident enough to do that work, the result is nothing different. The world is filled with super smart, happy, passionate, confident and positive thinkers and they somehow know what they must do and how to do. And here I am who has always failed in every field and situation. Honestly, I have never given much dedication to my work, but how could I be dedicated when I always fail in the very processes of that work! Most of the time I cheat: and I try to hide that I know nothing, while also displaying to others that I know these things, and this makes me an imposter as well!
I started to competitive programming last year and within a month I realized that this thing is way beyond my capability. I could spend an entire life trying and learning CP, and still won’t be able to solve a medium level question. I have solved some easy level questions over the past year but at the age of 23, I am still solving questions that are meant for 12 years old. Whenever the Code forces homepage loads up, we all see the names of Legendary Grandmasters. Some of them have been coding for more than a decade, seriously their dedication level is fantastic. Kudos to their parents and teachers for bringing up such prodigies. I particularly feel that even if I was raised by the same teachers and parents, I would still be a dumb and playing around in Div3 contests.
This world is seriously too complex for me. I would never be able to compete or work together with people around me. The motivation resides for a very short duration in me. I procrastinate most of the times even after knowing that I could do a little more and its too dangerous for my future to stop again. And yet I repeat this mistake. You know whenever I do a work with high focus and dedication for 2-3 hours, I feel like that I have achieved huge success and then I take a break after doing all the hard work. This break lasts for a week and sometimes even more. When I try to continue the same work after the long break I have to start again from the beginning. That’s why I have stopped growing as a person. In future I would still be on the same place and same situation. Because I am not changing at all. Life is becoming more and more miserable. My friends are getting good jobs and those who don’t, they have their own talents for which they will earn a living. I am so doubtful, I must contribute to my family financially, but how?. Who would employ such a disgrace? It really feels so bad when you are 23 and still living on your dad’s income.
From now on, I have decided that even after being such a failure and also realizing my dark past, still I will continue coding because I have no option left. I will fail a million times but this time I won’t cheat and give up, instead I will try and try. I hope after 5-10 years, I could be a be good coder and be able to compete with confidence. I have to forget that I have a negative and self-doubting brain. Maybe, when I revisit this post years later, I’d be applauding myself for believing in myself and not giving up.
