To reacheth exp'rt thee wilt completeth the 8 labours did describe by our mighty l'rd and saviour Sparky_Master_WCH1226, in penance f'r being a newbie:
Thee shouldst stop gazing uponst anime immediately as anime hast been scientifically proven to decrease thy iq by 69. Thee shouldst instead gaze upon all movies of the divine and wondrous Tom Crooze.
Vanquish the dark and deprav'd armies of the lib'rals, and then help the archangel Donald Trumpet maketh Am'rica most wondrous again.
Defeat Pontiff Sulyvahn of Dark Souls III with nought yet the smold'ring iron which thou may obtaineth in Irithyll dungeon.
Tieth a cape 'round thy neck and flyeth in precisely 9. 69 circles 'round Botswana while singing "Baby" (first sung by the supreme and t'rrifying conqu'r'r of music, Justin Beav'r himself) at the top of thy lungs, so yond ev'ry kangaroo on the planet weeps with joy.
Solveth the question from the most wondrous well of dark knowledge nam'd Codef'rces which hast the secret contest code 553-d and hyst'rically explain the solution to all cats in an old-age nursing home in Nig'ria.
Giveth a cute panda a death stare for 45. 34 seconds, and then menacingly screech — "wanna playeth some CS????".
Succesfully convince all thy cousins thou art indeed, a giant chocolate donut.
Weepeth f'r an entire day about wherefore nay woman hast ev'r did love thee.
Thee now has't complete all the secret steps did describe in the secret ancient magical booketh of "Tourist TOP SECRET training strategy (+bonus w'rkout routines)".